10 Best Weapons in Mouse: P.I. for Hire, Ranked

It might be a bit shocking based on the endearing, black and white cartoon artwork, but Mouse: P.I. for Hire actually plays like a pretty intense (and awesome) boomer-shooter, much like you've experienced in DOOM before. Because of this, you're probably wondering if the guns in this game are any good. Yes. Yes, they are.

The next natural question, of course, is then, "Which weapons in Mouse: P.I. are actually the best?" Dear gamer, I am so glad you asked.

I've officially tested them all out at this point, and I definitely have some thoughts. Most of the guns and weapons in this game are at least cool and creative, both visually and stylistically, but not all of them are created equally even so. Here are the ten main weapons in the game ranked so that you know which ones to invest in as early as possible.

10 Loose Cannon

Hazards of the Job

The Loose Cannon is the typical rocket/grenade launcher that you get in most games of this sort. Of course, it's obviously extremely powerful as a result, but these types of weapons usually come with big caveats too.

Here, that manifests mostly in two ways. The Loose Cannon is a single-shot weapon, meaning you have to refill it painfully slowly between each shot. In a game as fast as Mouse: P.I., this isn't great. It also can damage you heavily if it detonates while you're standing too close to a target, or accidentally hit something in front of you.

Situationally, it can be great when you need some big to go boom, but you won't end up using it much in your playthrough if you're like me. It does have a cool alt-fire though, which charges/breaks up a cannonball and launches the shrapnel at enemies like a ridiculous shotgun of doom.

9 Portable Freezer

Chill, Bro

The Portable Freezer is the last weapon you get in the game, and the wait really isn't worth it. It's a cool idea and is fun to use, as it shoots a concentrated stream of ice in raybeam form in order to freeze enemies in their tracks if you hit them long enough with it. Nearly objectively, this is dope.

The problem is that it doesn't actually kill anything, so you'll still need to deliver damage in a different way to actually take enemies out. This can be done with a quick kick, which isn't the end of the world, but it's still an extra step. It's even worse if the enemy is at a distance, so you have to swap to a different gun anyway to finish the job and waste ammo in the process.

Pretty much every gun in the game still has an awesome alt-fire regardless of actual weapon utility, and the Portable Freezer boasts a giant icicle that can freeze a group of enemies in a radius. Rad.

8 Kiss Kiss

Bang Bang

The Kiss Kiss is the second shotgun you get in the game, but it's also pretty noticeably worse than the other option you get way before. This is a bummer, though that doesn't mean the Kiss Kiss is worthless. It shoots shells that are imbued with fire, which means it burns anything it hits. This is awesome.

The issue is that it can only hold two shells at once, so you'll be reloading constantly when trying to use it. This also makes combat with it feel far too slow, though you're also packing a fiery, powerful punch all the while. It's a cool weapon, it just isn't viable in most situations.

The alt-fire for the Kiss Kiss is sort of like a fire grenade, which burns any enemies standing within the detonation radius.

7 Jar-Head

Brain in a Vat

Jar-Head is my favorite weapon in the game in terms of visuals and overall design. It's a little brain in a vat that shoots rings of energy to stun and kill enemies. It can also talk to you (you're not going crazy Jack, are ya?). It's oozing with charming and fun, pulpy design, but it's sadly just not that satisfying to use.

This is another weapon you get fairly late in the game, and it probably won't make your regular rotation once you pick it up. It's also a little tough to tell if you're registering hits with it, as the energy rings don't really come along with an impact you notice or feel.

The alt-fire here is a concentrated beam for heavy headshot damage, but it's also a bit tricky to use well as a result.

6 Hellrazor

DOOM Mouse

Leaning heavily into the DOOM influence, the Hellrazor is some sort of chainsaw dagger-sword thing, and it's clearly absolutely awesome. It doesn't have any ranged ability, so this one actually fits into the melee or hack/slash category. Because of this, you'll obviously have to be up close and personal to everything you fight while using it.

This need to be close to everything can cause occasional problems, so the Hellrazor isn't a weapon you'll want to use all the time. When you do, however, it's a blast, though it can be a little unwieldy at times too. Still, I won't complain too much. DOOM chainsaw goes brrrr.

There's no alt-fire, nor even weapon upgrading with the Hellrazor. What you see is what you get.

5 X-1 Demousifier

Everybody Loves Rayguns

The X-1 Demousifier is the only weapon in the game that you don't get from normal story progression. Instead, it's unlocked once you earn a total of 20 Spike-D prize tokens, which you can then redeem in the Little & Big bar at the Spike-D prize cabinet in the corner. Hope you like the Baseball mini-game, because you'll need to play it a lot to unlock this gun.

It's worth the grind, however (plus, I quite enjoyed Baseball anyway). This raygun deals heavy damage and can one-shot a vast array of enemies in the game. It has no frills, just deals extreme pain. The issue is that it has a tiny clip/ammo capacity, so you'll have to budget your rounds tightly.

Like the Hellrazor, there's no alt-fire or upgrading here. The X-1 Demousifier is sold as-is.

4 Micer

Ol' Reliable

The Micer is the gun you start Mouse P.I. with, but that definitely doesn't mean it's a bad weapon. In fact, since the game lacks any type of firearm with long-range capabilities, the Micer also doubles as your most stable and accurate option to hit anything at a distance. This gives it a ton of utility compared to most other guns in the game.

Up close, it's a bit slow and doesn't pack the biggest punch of the group, but it'll still always get the job done regardless. There's not really much else to say. It's a good pistol, and it's never a bad choice if your mains are out of ammo.

The alt-fire is a three-shot burst, which does help it be a little more formidable at close range too.

3 Boomstick

The Genre's Mainstay

Here we go. The token, awesome boomer-shooter shotgun. Compared to the Kiss Kiss, the Boomstick blows the competition out of the water. No, it doesn't burn whatever it hits like the Kiss Kiss, but its rate of fire is far better, and its upgraded clip size and ammo capacity take away the typical pain of using a shotgun that you need to reload allllll the time.

Of course, it's only good at close range, but that's how most of the combat in Mouse: P.I. ends up being anyway. Nothing can touch you as you're spraying shells all over the place with the Boomstick.

The alt-fire for the Boomstick is just a more powerful, charged shot. Simple, elegant, luxurious.

2 Devarnisher

Wicked Witch-Style

When you first get it, the Devarnisher is so good that it almost feels OP. This gun shoots white globs of goop that attach to enemies and melt them down to the bone. For many grunt enemies, this is a one-shot. It also has a solid rate of fire, so if you need to hit a bigger enemy multiple times, you can do so fairly quickly.

The Devarnisher really shines for boss fights, however. While its range isn't great, and it also has a bit of an arc that you need to learn to compensate for, it's all worth it in the end to watch a boss HP bar simply melt away.

Alt-fire for the Devarnisher is basically a sticky grenade that detonates and does AoE damage to any enemies standing close enough.

1 James Gun

Guardian of the Gala-Cheese

When I first got the (hilariously named) James Gun early in the game, I didn't think much of it. Yeah, yeah, it's the cliché noir Tommy Gun that every game of this era needs. Cool, I get it. Little did I know, I'd end up only wanting to use this gun for the rest of the game.

The James Gun easily has the best rate of fire in Mouse: P.I., and with how fast the game is, this feels wonderful. You'll also start to internalize the ratta-tat-tat of the bullets and learn exactly how many pumps of lead it takes to mow down each enemy type, so you become a certified exterminating machine in no time with it.

It's also the second best ranged option in the game after the Micer, making it more versatile than anything else in your arsenal once you put it all together. Alt-fire empties your entire clip at once into tougher foes, and upgrading the gun to increase the clip size means reloads are more infrequent than anything else in the game, too. A+. 10/10. No notes for James Gun.