New game reveal that sounds cool actually just one big April Fools' joke

Keep your head on a swivel today

Final Fantasy fans, get excited! Today, April 1, Square Enix surprise-revealed Final Fantasy 17, which is set to be a classic turn-based RPG. The first trailer for the game looks stunning, showing off its gorgeous HD-2D visuals and— wait, what’s that? Oh. I’m so sorry. Apparently that was a joke. My bad.

I hope you can understand my mistake here. See, today is April Fools’ Day, a big day for the video game industry. Every year, publishers get together to dream up the coolest and definitely not cringe-iest game announcements they can think of, all in the name of tricking you into thinking that awesome thing is real. It’s a fun prank, you know? The influx of hoax announcements can make it hard for a reporter to do their job, hence my slip-up here. Of course Square Enix wouldn’t make a turn-based Final Fantasy game, duh!

My apologies for the false alarm, but thankfully I do have some other exciting news for RPG fans: Sandfall Interactive has teased its next game. Clair Obscur: Expedition 0 will be a prequel to the Game of the Year-winning Clair Obscur: Expedition 33, which focuses on the very first group sent to take down the Paintress— shit, no, I’m sorry, that’s a joke too, I guess! I can’t believe I fell for that one! I mean, it just kind of sounds like a real game.

Okay, okay, let’s see… Uh, looks like we’re getting a new Kingdom Hearts spinoff that’s centered around Donald! Nope, that’s another gag. Hmm, how about: Obsidian is making a new Fallout: New Vegas narrative adventure game in the style of Pentiment! Oh, that’s supposed to be a joke too. Ha, yeah, I guess I get it. Ooh! Sega is working on an open-world Simpsons game that draws inspiration from Yakuza!? Wow, that actually makes perfect sense! I can’t wait to brawl around Springfield as… ah. Nevermind.

I think I’m just going to stick to the mundane news today, if you don’t mind. You know, just the kind of stuff that’s so boring that you know that no one is pulling one over on you. For instance, Cubivore is coming to Nintendo Switch Online’s GameCube collection. Simple enough! Wait… oh come on! Why would you even joke about that? What’s the punchline!?

Forget it! It’s boring business news only from me today! I hope you like sales data and studio inner-studio politics! Here’s a real snoozer for you chuckleheads: Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney has confirmed that the publisher will not utilize AI to replace its recently laid off employees. Instead, Epic will increase its investment in its remaining human staff, rewarding the team behind the mega-successful Fortnite with substantial rai— oh goddamnit.

That’s it. I’m done. You all have fun today with your japes. I’m logging out for the day and taking a damn walk in the park. I’ll come back when the jokes are done. Hm, wait, what’s this that just hit my inbox? “Bloodborne is getting a PS5 patch that will enable a 45fps Performance Mode.”

Hah, nice try, idiots! What do you think I am, fucking stupid?